A New Year

Every milestone brings it's share of memories and emotions. It's weird the things that trigger certain memories. Everytime I even think about having to go to the hospital again I just get this sick feeling in my stomach like I did with the chemo with you just feel sick and nothing tastes good to you..... everything tastes blah. Yesterday I was running media for the worship team and we were using two computers at once and at different points during the service the head tech guy had to switch the audio feeds from one computer to another and just watching him do that brought back memories of the nurses changing my IV bags.

I often wonder if I am ever going to be in that place again or if I am through with that nightmare for good. It seems like a really bad dream to me. Sitting here at this point one year out.... a year ago I had been through my first chemo and was losing my hair.

There is a lady at church who also had Ovarian Cancer and the same dr. His prognosis for her was not good while mine was....and he was right about her. Hers has returned. And while I can take small comfort in it not returning, I still wonder what is in store for me. Going through cancer, especially being ignored at first, has made me so paranoid. It took all I had not to severely question the doctor during Nicole's recent appointment. I know it will take awhile till I can trust them again. There are some things I wish to discuss with a medical professional but I just don't feel comfortable with anybody. I don't want to be paranoid but I know I am not alone in this. I have confided in a friend who has had a similar experience and she shares my fears and paranoia. She understands how I feel and it's nice to know that.

This year started out with a family gathering and my birthday. We took the kids to a movie over my birthday weekend.

Today was really warm. It was also rainy however when I went to pick up Lexi from school there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Lexi was so thrilled to be seeing her first rainbow.

As you can see I changed the look of my blog again. I tried color coordinating it to my God is Bigger than my cancer insignia which I've made with a ribbon and a cross, both purple. I don't want it to just be teal for Ovarian cancer or pink for breast cancer...... I want it to be purple to hopefully represent the ultimate Healer of cancer. I hope you enjoy it.

As we end 2009......

Some photos from this Christmas season

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Get your own

It's strange as I go to write this the theme song from our year starts playing on the radio. "While I'm Waiting". That song has just meant so much for us over the past year as we battled the cancer. The song has been representative of what we walked through with God.

While in some ways it seems insureal, it's something I can't forget. And going through that pain has helped me to be empathetic towards others in pain as well. Last year at this time we were preparing to leave for a mini vacation before my chemo the following week. It was scary but precious time.

One of the things I regret is not taking more photos during that time. At the time I was embarressed to have anyone see me like that but now I wish I had a hard copy those memories of the hard times. What's funny is the little ways it has changed me. Like i said earler, I'm more empathetic to others' pain. I also more vocal in cancer awareness. I want to be more healthy so I am probably going a little overboard trying to lose weight. I do double the circuits required at Curves. I'm like a woman with a mission. The one instructor asked me today how many circuits I've been doing because she realized I was there for pretty long. I think I'm coming out of my shell a little more. Someone laughingly suggested I be a stand up comedian and I actually not necessarily wanted to be a stand up comic, I had considered a speaker with humor thrown in. To come up with jokes on the fly might be a stretch. I guess I've been praying for a way to use this all for good and I'm trying to figure out where it's taking me.

So as I end 2009 and begin 2010 I wish for you be proactive in your health! You are your best advocate. Look for ways for God to stretch you. Hug your children. Buy your spouse a special treat. Look for the silver lining. Live and let God!

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy

As 2009 draws to a close.......

Here are some highlights of stuff that has happened in these past two months so far....





This year has just been so much better than last year. Sometimes last year feels like a distant dream and yet it's something that will be in our minds for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I want to just wish it never happened but it did. Now I have to live with the reality that it could return. Norm also has to make some changes as well since his Christmas stay in the hospital last year. He will probably be on medication for that the rest of his life.



I think the kids are recovering from it. When I recently had to make a trip to my oncologist for a check-up Tyler said, "But mom, I thought you were done with the cancer." I told him that I will still need check-ups for a long time just to make sure everything is okay. Nicole actually wrote a composition for school about when her dad passed out from his episode last Christmas. Lexi hasn't really said anything but I know it has affected her as well.

We've been helping another lady from our church with Ovarian Cancer. She had a different type of Ovarian cancer than I had. She had the same Gyne-oncologist. While he told me mine probably won't return, he made the opposite promise to her. While sad for her , it brings comfort to me in a strange way.



This Christmas will feel so much more richly blessed as we are healthy and have each other. When you have that, who needs money? Don't get me wrong, money is nice but you can't take it with you.



May you enjoy the richness of the holidays and appreciate the reason for the season. We would be nothing without His Christmas gift!

A Thanksgiving to Remember

This Thanksgiving is so much different than last year. Last year we were dealing with a terrible disease, after effecfts of major surgery, a roller coaster of emotions, mortality and reluctantly anticipating what we were told will be rough chemotherapy. We have so much to be thankful for. That in itself is a huge understatement. When you are facing something so horrific you realize how important friends and family really are. You also realize that you aren't as much of a wallflower as you originally thought. We got so much support last year as family stepped in to care for my children and co-workers, church family, my Internet sisters and even my childrens' school showered us with food and monetary gifts to get us through both the holidays and upcoming treatments. Some from our church even sent us on a wonderful vacation over the holidays including a fabulous show at Sight and Sound Theater. Many also stepped in to help out over Norm's Christmas emergency. I am just so grateful to everyone for their prayers, cards, gifts, flowers and support. And a special thank you to Norm who put into practice our vow "In Sickness and in health!" I love you, Norm! I love you, Nicole, Tyler and Lexi! God is good all the time! All the time God is good!

PS Please remember our friends, Steve and Lugene as their son, Adam (approx 8), is in the hospital fighting pneumonia.

Mid-November Ramblings

Soccer season is now officially over and band is almost over as well. Tomorrow is band competition chamionships and they still have some football games to go to depending on how well the football team does. As of now we are undefeated.

Christmas is soon coming and I've been doing some shopping. There is one local station that carried Christmas already and sometimes I listen to it. Christmas Shoes has been getting to me lately because it could have almost been about me. I try not to think about that. This year Christmas and Thanksgiving will take on more significance as I remember what we were facing last year.

I am having my parents and baby brother over for Thanksgiving. There isn't enough room for the rest of the family to Tyler's dismay. He was hoping to see his cousins. I've been debating how I want to handle the meal. It would be nice if we could relax after the meal and not have to think much of dishes.

If I don't get on here again soon, Happy Thanksgiving!

Year marking Dates

I recently had my second mamogram.....the first was when they suspected something was wrong a year ago. This one, to my relief, was negative. Also, about a year ago I was going in for my hysterectomy when they discovered that the tumor was malignant after all instead of benign like they first thought. It's so hard to believe. My hair is coming back thick but not quite as curly. It's not quite as long as I'd like. I'm hoping when it grows longer I can get it cut nicely.

I recently won a month at Curves so I've been taking advantage of that going as much as I can. I do enjoy it a lot.

The flu has hit our house. Nicole has been sick since Sunday evening. We are hoping she can return to school tomorrow. Lexi, who sleeps with her, has been in a bad mood tonight so I'm just waiting for her to be next. Norm also called from work this evening complaining of a bad headache. I had the flu shot at work so I'm hoping that I either miss it or at least have an easier time.

I know I haven't written for awhile. It's been busy with all of the kids stuff and lots of time I would come with the intention of blogging but just couldn't get in the mood.

I am hoping things slow down by Thanksgiving. I've been feeling stressed having to take the kids here, there and everywhere all the time. Our Ladies at church recently attended a conference called Spaghetti For The Soul by Kathy Triccoli. It was just a really nice time to refresh oneself. I know I came away less stressed. It was nice to be able to spend time with other women and just laugh at life. The singing was great too! :)

Wow, October already?!!!

September went WAAAY too fast! With work, helping kids with homework and all of their extra curricular activities, time just flies so fast.


Norm and I were reflecting this week. On October 6 it will be a year since my tumor was discovered. So much has happened since! It's just hard to wrap oneself around the whole thing. And as much as you wish to return to normal, it's hard to figure out exactly what that is. Yeah, you can resume activities but there it is always in the back of your mind and it just changes perspective on everything.....and yet it just puts everything on a deeper level as well. We are studying "the New Eve" in church and it's really hard to answer the questions at times.

Tyler just turned 11 about a week ago and he seems to be going through a growth spurt. I am afraid I am going to have to go in search of size 12 Slims in pants because the 10's are starting to look short.

Our town's fair is starting next week and the kids usually enjoy going to that.

October is Breast cancer Awareness month. This is a reminder to schedule that mamogram!

Let me catch my breath......

It seems like life has gotten so busy that I have not had time to stop and catch my breath. With working and running the kids, down time is rare. Nicole is involved with color guard in the band. She just got accepted into the choral group "Chansodie" (If I spelled that right which I doubt!) Nicole also landed a part in the upcoming fall play, coaches the middle school sport stacking team and is in the youth group band at church as the solo vocalist.

Tyler plays soccer, signed up for student couselor (which totally blew me away) and is a runner for the high school band. Lexi also plays soccer as well and signed up to sing in the choir.

And me....well, once again I got volunteered to be the frazzled taxi driver. LOL

We recently had a birthday party for Lexi who turned 7 on Aug. 30. Below is a slideshow of that event. Too many pics to post on one post.

Lexi also played her first soccer game the last Sunday of August.




I will try to post when I can. It's gotten really hard to do that though.


We've been helping a lady at church who also had ovarian cancer. She also had the same doctor. Hers seems more likely to return than mine will. She can be mixed up at times so meeting her needs tends to be a challenge. Her name is Shirley if you could keep her in your prayers and our church as we try to navigate her needs.

End of August Activities

At a local health faire I had a table for Ovarian cancer awareness. We had to use Nicole's camera so the quality isn't as good.

While I was at the Health Faire Norm was taking a class on vehicle accident rescue.













That night we went to a movie on the square of our town












Lexi turned 7 on Sunday












Me, myself and the person in this picture :)




That afternoon Lexi played her first soccer game for the season












First day of school yesterday

I was so upset at myself. I finally could go back to work and the first day went great! Then i came home and decided to mow and then mulch. For some dumb reason when i was done mowing I reached down and touched the muffler. I got a 2nd and 3rd gegree burn on my hand so I am off the rest of the week. I was so mad. Going between crying and wanting to throw something.

Psalm 23

You, LORD, are my shepherd. I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water, and you refresh my life. You are true to your name, and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I won't be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd's rod makes me feel safe. You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honor me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. Your kindness and love will always be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, LORD. Ps. 23




In his classic book A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, W. Phillip Keller gives a striking picture of the care and gentleness of a shepherd. In verse 3 when David says, “He restores my soul,” he uses language every shepherd would understand.
Sheep are built in such a way that if they fall over on their side and then onto their back, it is very difficult for them to get up again. They flail their legs in the air, bleat, and cry. After a few hours on their backs, gas begins to collect in their stomachs, the stomach hardens, the air passage is cut off, and the sheep will eventually suffocate. This is referred to as a “cast down” position.




When a shepherd restores a cast down sheep, he reassures it, massages its legs to restore circulation, gently turns the sheep over, lifts it up, and holds it so it can regain its equilibrium.




What a picture of what God wants to do for us! When we are on our backs, flailing because of guilt, grief, or grudges, our loving Shepherd reassures us with His grace, lifts us up, and holds us until we’ve gained our spiritual equilibrium.
If you’ve been cast down for any reason, God is the only one who can help you get on your feet again. He will restore your confidence, joy, and strength. — Marvin Williams




This Shepherd of mine knows each trial, each snare,And at just the right moment my Lord will be there,On His shoulders to carry each burden for me—Yes, the Lord is my Shepherd, and always shall be.




The weak and the helpless are in the Good Shepherd’s special care

http://www.rbc.org/odb/odb.shtml