Decorating For Christmas

Yesterday:

The kids really were in the mood to decorate and, while it was hard for us to get in the mood, we wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them..... so Norm and Nicole spent most of Saturday decorating and then we headed for a local store selling trees to pick out this year's "winner". Below ae pics from that venture as well as a few decorations in the house.

I went to church for the first time this morning. Today marks a month since the surgery. It wasn't too bad as far as emotional. I sat through most of it. I think it would have been harder if they had sang more of the regular songs but now they are singing more Christmas songs. Greeted some peple after church but I was soon ready to sit down again.

We may go and visit my new nephew this afternoon if they are home.

Black Friday

Yesterday we went to my mom's and dad's for Thanksgiving. I think the hardest part is facing your family with this hanging over your head. We have just been through so much pain and disappointment the past year so it's hard to see the pain in their eyes once more and know you are why. Below the pic of Coby nuzzling me are photos from our Thanksgiving this year including photos of my two sisters, baby brother and I which I heard that my brother requested. I am rally looking forward to next Thanksgiving when we can look back on this when I have been cleared of all cancer and we have that reason to give thanks as well.

Seth, Nicole and Bethany.

As we go plodding along.........

We have all been trying to take it in and comprehend in our own way....... Tyler's school counselor has been been in communication with him before we even found out partially because of anxiety issues he had been having with a certain class. She's been having lunch with him once a week. When we told the kids on Monday that I will need chemo, his response was, "Are you going to shed like the dog?" While most times he reminds me of his dad, that is one way he reminds me of me...... when it gets stressful, make a joke of it. That's how I often respond to stress.

Nicole went to see her counselor yesterday on her own. The only reason we found out she was even there was because her first block teacher reported she was absent and the school called us. We told them to check again figuring out where she actually was and they found her. I think she is trying to hide her fears from us so we don't know how upset she is about it. I'm glad she found someone she felt comfortable talking to. Unfortunatley she is old enough to figure out what all of this could potentially mean.

Tonight Nicole has a Thanksgiving concert at an area church that we plan to attend. I haven't been to these concerts since I sang in the high school choir. I heard it gets full so we will probably try to go early.

As it slowly sinks in.......

It's been a painful day as we processed the news from yesterday. It is a very scary place to be in. We told Nicole and Tyler I will be getting chemotherapy in January but we tried to keep it as straight and simple as possible. Tyler wanted to know if I was going to shed like the dog. I think it was an attempt at humor. They are handling it well so far as I know. The counselor called Nicole in to talk to her right away this morning. The counselor has been in contact with Tyler since an earlier incident in September before all this was known.

Yet the love and support from family and friends has been overflowing. You don't think you matter so much until something like this happens and then suddenly everyone wants to be there for you and help in some way and that alone is enough to bring on the tears because the support is just so strong.

My one sister, Glenda, came over today bringing along another sofa to replace the one we have that was in horrible condition and extremely uncomfortable to lay on. It was an extra one they had around their house but it is such an improvement on the old one we had. I think I spent almost the whole day on it and my back wasn't throbbing near as much as before. Glenda also cleaned the house good for me. It needed it really bad since I had not been able to do a great job this fall not only because of working but our vaccuum had broken and we had only gotten a new one right before the surgery. Norm had cleaned it once but he's been really busy helping me with every day care. It needed a good thorough fall cleaning anyway and Glenda did a great job on it.

Nicole is anxious to get decorating for Christmas. Norm had told her that would be her job this year since it was out for me. She also wants to bake cookies. We usually baked cookies over Thanksgiving vacation and I was feeling bad because they couldn't have that fun this year. I think Nicole is deturmined she's going to do it anyway.

It's just been really hard today thinking about one's mortality. I keep thinking about my aunt and I know she was a lot sicker I am by now but I am trying to stay away from internet sites about it because reading about worst case scenerios is just scary. I want to return to work. I want life to get back to normal. I want to look forward to seeing my kids play sports this spring or watching Nicole in the spring musical because I sounds promising that she will get a good part because of how well she projects her voice.

When I asked the doctor if I could do activities or stay away from people to avoid sickness he looked at me and said, "Go and do what you normally do. Live your life."

It has been hard to be the center of attention because my introverted self never liked being there but it does feel good to know that people care about you.

Results....not what we hoped.

We were in to see the oncologist this morning and while they still do not have the full report back yet, it was decided that the cancer was a Stage 3 and I will need heavy chemo. We have opted to start this chemo in January. For now I will need three treatments. I will have to be in the hospital three days every three weeks to get a chemo called B.E.P.??? We appreciate all of the prayers that have gone out on our behalf. Continued prayer for the whole family would be very much appreciated especially as we try to sort through this new information.

I just thought I would add on to the previous paragraph.

It's just been a long hard road and it doesn't promise to end soon. I was in pretty much of a daze most of the day except when my dad stopped by around lunch before he had to go to work. When he stopped on the way out and said, "I love you." I think I almost lost it because our family had never been one to express emotion or affection.

It's really hard to understand why God is allowing us to go through this. What does he want to teach us through this? I know we have already learned some lessons from this but have a feeling there is more He wants to teach us..... to learn to rely on Him. He keeps bring the "While I'm Waiting" Song to my mind as well as "Jesus Bring The Rain."

I feel sorry for my family because it's like reliving my aunt's illness all over again except I think she was in a lot more discomfort than I. She was part of what drove me to the doctor as some of my symptoms mirrored hers.

I am really glad for the guys from our church who have stepped up to give Norm their support because he is taking this very hard. While we were eating tonight my sister, Deb, called and told Norm she just felt the need to pray for him and he just about lost it. I was sitting across from him and figured someone was praying because he wasn't saying anything but he was getting really emotional.

We will get thorugh this and be stronger for it with God's help.

Nervous about tomorrow

We go to see the oncologist tomorrow to see what our next step will be. That is when we will get a rating for the cancer. Really nervous about the whole thing. I told Norm it is so hard to believe that something like that is even lurking inside of me. Aside from how I felt this summer and fall, I just found it hard to believe something like this could grow inside of me and you just don't know it. I guess in hindsight there were clues, but the doctors thought it was other things. (Like my back hurting this spring....they thought I had mearely reinjured the injury from the fall before........ and they wrote the tingling in my legs off as something else......All this time it could have been the tumor pressing against my spinal cord......how could we not know that?) You just don't think about something being wrong with you especially if it does not run in your family. Now it opens up a whole new can of worms. Should my two sisters go and get tested? What about my children?

And I'm not sure how to handle colds now. I've always been one for letting them run their coarse but do I need to be more aggressive with them if there is a chance they could make me really sick? Catherine Baker Knoll was supposed to be doing well with her cancer and then got ill and passed on. I've been having something in my throat that I am hoarse and keep losing my voice so I'm not sure how worried I should be about that. I guess these are all questions to ask the doctor tomorrow. Everything just seems so up in the air.

Got out some today

We ran up to K-mart to get Lexi and Tyler each a new winter coat. I had to sit down when they started through the toys. Then we went to a local market and the supermarket. I lasted through most of the supermarket and then went out to the van to sit down till Norm came out. I was pleased, though, that I didn't feel quite as exhausted as before so I will take that as a sign of improvement.

We are unsure yet if we should try church. I've gotten a bit of something in my throat so we are somewhat worried about that. Will wait till Monday to ask the oncologist if we should be worried about colds. I just get mostly a hoarse sore throat. My girls both have colds so I was worried I was getting that.

It was nice to get out though.........

Snow!

Woke up this morning with snow. It doesn't usually lay this early in the season around here. Norm says that means we will get 21 more significant snowfalls. Not sure if I like the sound of that!

Norm took me to my job to get my paystub and then to his job for his stub. It was nice to see everyone this morning at work. It was also nice to get out. It's been hard to get a walk in with the cold and now the snow. We were going to go to church to walk in the activity center but they closed it for renovations. Norm asked if I'd like to go to an area mall that is pretty big. I told him I was afraid I would tire out walking from the van in the huge parking lot to the mall. I hate the idea of driving awhile just to get a walk in especially the way the economy is going.
A lady brought a meal by for us this afternoon but I may save it for tomorrow lunch when hopefully everyone will be home. Tomorrow night Nicole has an awards party with the band and Norm may have to work. Nicole is going with the band to a sectional football game tonight an hour away. I hope she can keep warm. Don't need her getting sick! Norm is working tonight so it will be just the three of us.

A friend brought some groceries yesterday including treats for Coby. It was funny to see him actually stand on his hind legs to snff the treat bag. He usually won't put that much effort into standing for anything.

Been getting bored and frustrated because I want to do my own housework and it drives me crazy that I can't. Once I get the okay, this house is getting a good cleaning because I never got around to fall housecleaning...... which means washing the windows.

Cabin Fever

Is that a fox
Or maybe a beaver?
Is seeing things a sign
Of Cabin Fever?
I'm stuck in a house
With just a Retriever?
Guess I'm suffering effects
Of cabin fever!

Wow, that was pretty good. I wonder if this guy from church who writes songs could help me put it to music. We got to take a walk today but it was pretty cold but I was happy just to get out.

I've had some ask if we heard anything....... no....... I really hope they have some kind of answer on Monday.

If you want, you can subscribe to my blog and then they come in your emails. But you set up what time they show up, I think....either that or they come just in the morning. I would have to look at it again. It doesn't always send an email as soon as I update it.

Norm doesn't want me to drive yet so he told me not to drive and I came up with the idea of moving the van to see if he's notice...... so he decided he was going to take chalk and mark it like the police do so he would know if it's moved. I came up with my own counter idea but I ain't going to say now what that idea is but I can see him standing there and just shaking his head already........

So I was good and worked on some of my Christmas cards...... till I ran out. I also usually write a family newsletter for family and friends who live far away or that we don't see often. I started it the other day and need to work on that.

Snow flurries in forecast.....

Cold outside today!

Yesterday I overdid some through a shopping trip for Christmas presents that didn't exactly go as planned. After coming home, I rested the remainder of the day nd then felt much better.

Norm took me to church this morning to weigh in on the scales that our 3D uses. Was stunned to see I had lost approx. 20 pounds since before the surgery.

We have been hearing some very positive things about the reputation of my oncologist so that makes us feel better about that.

Norm started back to work last night. It ws hard to get used to not having him around again. Of course, he made me promise not to do anything before he left for work. :D