Limbo

Lately I feel like my life is in limbo. I honestly don't know what I am waiting for to happen. I think it is partially motivated by fear....and partially a feeling of being let down. You suddenly have little/no health crisis and you don't know how to deal with it. I am still dealing with the after effects. Suddenly my teeth are no longer in excellant shape. Because of the hormone meds they had me on my weight shot back up in spite of walking several miles a week which has been depressing for me. I talked to him this week and he told me to try going off the hormone. He warned me there would be hot flashes but so far I have not experienced any of those. I know my aunt told me she never had any so maybe I won't either. Another effect of this has been increased panic attacks. At least I guess that is what they are. A lot of that rises from the lack of control I feel.

I've been trying to ask God where he wants me to go from here. Do we try and assist the cancer support group at church or do we continue the call we have felt toward family ministry? I need direction and focus. I signed up for a woman's conference coming up in October. It will be nice to have a time of refreshment as well as be among a fellowship of other women. I know that is part of my feeling of let down. During my illness I felt the friendship of others as I traveled through this but suddenly I don't. And I know there are others who need help and I'm glad there are people who can serve like this. We have gone through so much in the past year between my cancer, Norm's b/p last summer and health crisis over Christmas, Nicole having syncope issues last fall, Tyler having issues with coping with the stress of health issues at home and things not being stable at school for a little while and Lexi having some learning issues probably the result with me not being able to give her the time she needed because of my own health issues. It's like being stuck in traffic congestion for a long time, dealing with other travelers and road blocks, construction, noise and suddenly you find your self by a quiet lake and you are shocked by the silence. It's hard to put it into words.

Anyway, I've been trying to spend time in the Word and journaling to try and get those feelings out and deal with them.....giving my worries to God because I know He wants to carry them for me.

In the good old summertime....

On Saturday our family went to a local amusement park. It's a smaller park designed more for children than adults which is fine with me. I want to have fun, not have a heart condition. LOL. We had rain for about an hour around 2-3:00 but otherwise had a great time.







Yesterday I returned to my oncologist although I wonder the necessity of it. All he did was listen to my heart and lungs and touched my tummy all of three whole seconds. He is pretty confident he got it all but he did order a CT scan more for my own peace of mind. I am still awaiting the arrangements for that appointment. I am to return to him in four months.

Nicole started band camp yesterday....Two whole weeks of blissful torture......or maybe that should be two whole weeks of blistered torture. LOL! Tyler goes to middle school transition camp in two weeks and I have a inservice for work that week as well. School starts on Monday, August 31 with kids in three different schools this year. My kids will never be in the same building again.

I've been journaling a lot lately which has been helping with the emotional issues. I need to get back to where I was. My oncologist has been adjusting some post-hyst. meds so I am hoping that helps me lose the weight I put back on which I am frustrated with.

Brazil

Our Youth Group recently took a mission trip to Brazil. The following are two videos I made for them from their pics. The first is one I made for the offering and the second between services.

As July is coming to a close....

Below: Tyler and Coby

I can't believe July is soon going to be a part of history. With kids going to camp, Vacation Bible Schools, pool parties, weekend trips, medical appointments and so on and so forth, I feel like a valet instead of a mom enjoying summer vacation. I have about two thirds of the house summer cleaned and hope to work on some this week. We plan on going to a local amusement park on Friday if the weather is good.
August begins with a check-up at the oncologist. I don't know what he plans to do. I don't think he does either. We had discussed a possible ct scan. As much as I am not looking forward to still more needles, I think it would help my peace of mind....especially since I haven't been feeling well although I think it's viral. I have a few things I want to discuss with him and I guess I should start writing my questions down awhile. Cancer just has me going so many places I never imagined I would have to go to and it can get one down thinking about it. I've been trying to give it to God to carry for me but it can be hard to do that sometimes. Personal journaling has been helping my anxiety/depression and that's a good thing. I am looking forward to returning to work and getting my mind off my problems for four hours a day. I'm sure my evenings will be busy with soccer and band practices.

Mid-summer Meanderings

The past couple of days have been better. Felt it a little this morning but I put on some praise music...... Mary Mary always cheers me up.
Lexi has been going to a local VBS this week while Tyler is at camp. Next week we may send them to the VBS at my sister's church. They usually like that one. Nicole has been busy with Youth Worship team, her high school band and sportstacking. They recently went to a local nursing home to perform for the residents.
Norm and I had been taking a two mile walk in the evenings. We both need the exercise and it's a nice way to spend time together. Tonight, however, Norm got a fire call so I decided to take Coby. He wasn't used to going two miles so he was actually tired out till we got home. I let him wade in the creek a little first which he loved. When we got home, instead of flying around like a mad dog, he flopped on the floor, but he had a happy contented smile on his face.
Most of our summer has been absolutely beautiful but tomorrow they are calling for the humidity to kick back in so I went around tonight shutting windows and turning on the A/C's.

Fighting the emotional mire

Lately negative emotions have been an issue with me. I can't really point to one thing in particular, maybe not even two things, or even three or four. It's just been a compilation of just so many things that have been piling up inside me and, being the extreme introverted soul that I am, it tends to come out in both physical and emotional ways. It sort of came to a head yesterday when, before church, a close friend of my husband and I who has been dealing with his own battle of recurrent cancer sat down next to me to chat and even though not much was said, I had this feeling he knew exactly what I was feeling. Then the worship leader stood up and spoke and it just touched me in such a deep way followed by an awesome sermon by an associate pastor. I knew that I needed to enlist help to fight this and get through it. I knew I needed God to help me work through this and friends prayers to support me. I had another issue to work out before I could proceed but I got through that and beginning to sort through my feelings and insecurities. Unfortunately cancer robs you of feeling of security and makes you face the reality of how severely lacking of control over your own life. That has been presenting itself in increased panic attacks. I know in my head that God is in control but lately the total lack of control has totally rocked my world....and this is another issue I need to work out with Him.

From The Message:

Ecclesiastes 8:8

No one can control the wind or lock it in a box. No one has any say-so regarding the day of death. No one can stop a battle in its tracks. No one who does evil can be saved by evil.

Matthew 10:28"... There's nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.

Proverbs 20:27

God is in charge of human life, watching and examining us inside and out.

Psalm 18:20

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Busy summer

I can't believe how much there is to do this summer. I'm not sure if I will get everything done I hoped to or not! Lexi has summer school until the end of the month. I was calling it camp for awhile but she figured it out. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I had to curb Tyler so he doesn't pick on her though.

Today I have a couple of appointments and then I guess later this week I have to pack Tyler for camp. I'm surprised he hasn't insited on starting that yet. He goes on Sunday.

Ty got his braces in last week. He made them red,white and blue.

Nicole got back from New York with her grandparents. I was just looking at her pics and it looks like she had lots of fun!

Below are pics from this past weekend with Independance Day celebrations

The Fall Of Two Stars

Two well-known icons passed away today. Probably the most shocking was Michael Jackson. He succumbed to a heart attack. The other was Farrah Fawcett. I think she was the one who I identified with most. I was not a big fan of Michael, but, while I was not a Farrah follower either I really identified with her this year since we were both battling cancer. I was most moved by her courage and faith. Many thought went through my mind as I watched the Dateline special tonight remembering her life. One is wondering what it was like to die. Maybe this is a bit morbid but when you face cancer it becomes and every day reality that refuses to leave. A little over a year ago I "watched" an aunt die from stomach cancer and you wonder if you could face it with such courage if you were that sick. I mean I know where I am going but you worry about those you leave behind and you wonder what the whole process is like. This year has been hard to face with my own but, after I was diagnosed, it was one friend after another and that alone is enough to knock the wind from your sails. I know I have been struggling with an emotional feeling that I can't pin point and I don't know if it's fear of recurring or if it's survivor guilt or just a hormonal imbalance. There has been a lot of emotional triggers lately.

For me the saddest part of Farrah's whole story was her son....... he has to miss probably the most important, pivotal moment of his life because of choices he made. We all probably know someone who is making unwise choices and it just saddens me to know that these choices could have devastating consequences for those people. All you can do is pray for them and stand behind them to help pick them up if they fall.

.

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

.

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

.

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

.

I am yours regardless of

the clouds that may loom above

because you are much greater than my pain

you who made a way for me

suffering your destiny so tell me

whats a little rain

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

is the lord God almighty

is the lord God almighty

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty

Summer Quickly Passing

Today I had to take Lexi to the school's summer program since she will need a little more help. I've been feeling a little guilty about it since, because of being ill, I was not able to spend the time with her that she needed.

I've been feeling down a little lately.....not really any one thing but a combination of several. I also thought about talking to my doctor about changing a medication to see if that helps because it started after being on that. I'm just not sure whether to talk to my family doctor or my oncologist who had started me on it to begin with. That would be part of the problem. You just feel like you are in limbo with several things in your life lately.

Yesterday we took Nicole back to camp where she is volunteering for two weeks. She enjoys doing that and would have liked to do more but the Krew got full quickly this year and, even though we signed up early, till then most weeks were full. Next year she will be old enough to be a CIT(Counselor in Training) and is looking forward to that. Lexi goes up to camp on Wednesday and Tyler goes in July.
Before we dropped her off we stopped at an area park for a picnic lunch and a short hike. Below are photos from that.

Nicole and Lexi

Nicole and Tyler

Norm and Kids

Nicole and Lexi

Norm and Kids

Norm and I

Norm and I

3 months after chemo

Norm and I

Nicole, Ty and Lexi

Ty & Lexi
Norm and Kids

The kids and I

Summer vacation

I decided to start a good housekeeping since I missed fall housecleaning last year and spring housecleaning this year. We did my girls' room yesterday and my living room today. I figured next week I will do a few more rooms and hopefully I will be done till the end of the month.

It's been somewhat stressful. I've had a lot on my mind including wondering what the oncologist will do in August, if he will find anything and if I will have to go through chemo again. The thought of that is just depressing. Sometimes it bothers me when I eat so I worry about that and anything else being a sign. Since I basically got ignored the first time by my family doctor, I stress about every little thing whether it is founded or not. The other evening I changed into my pajamas early just to be comfortable and Lexi asked me if I am sick again. That was a bit of a shock. You wonder what goes on in their minds and how much they worry.

My mom is going next week for surgery to remove cysts found inside of her as well. Please pray they are not malignant. The one off her ovary was of slight concern. She has the same surgeon I did and the surgeon assured her that I am an unusual case. Of course that could be taken more than one way. LOL. Her surgery does not sound as intense so far which is a relief.

I've been spending some time in my flower beds as well. For the most part I find it very invigorating even though the chemo has made my muscles more arthritic for getting up and down. I was hoping that is something that would improve as time goes by but so far it hasn't. Getting up and down and in and out of cars has me feeling like an old woman. At work I didn't mind the lifting as much as the reaching down to pick up dishwashing racks or other things from a low position. I also noticed the tingling and numbness in my fingers is worsening. I didn't hardly have any at all at first but now when I have to do fine motor skills, I get very frustrated.
Nicole not only recently got a best supporting actress but a friend sent me photos of her Honors Awards Ceremony as well. She made distinguished honors. I am hoping she gets invited to the National Honor Society....something I never accomplished.

Tyler has had a great season in soccer. His coach told me they were impressed as to how well he has improved as a defender. He is really good in defense but is also pretty good in offense as well. In fact in his last game he scored one of the goals.

Lexi is also a good defender. She has to work on her offense which she does not enjoy playing but she rarely lets a ball past her in defense.

Today we went to a local fire company for a Fun Fest. The kids had fun playing games. Lexi and Tyler both won goldfish. Nicole won a bandana that she planned to use at camp. Lexi won a few other small prizes and Tyler won prizes as well. Lexi also got a ride on a fire engine and also got to go in a cool bounce firehouse/slide.

Lexi and I