Saturday, January 24, 2009

Saturday Sadness

I think both Norm and I are feeling a bit down today. It was a disappointment not to be able to get another week of chemo over with. I've been trying to take in that disappointment as well as my almost bald head. It wasn't a shock but it just seems like it's another reminder of the monster we are fighting. I told Norm that I did not write my story to be this way. I guess God did and He knows what twists and turns my story will take. He knows the ending. I just have to trust him. I guess we were wondering how can we help this or what could we hae done differently but in talking to others who have gone through this before us, it's a pretty normal side effect of the chemo. I just pray we don't have this set back with the next one although it's also a good possibility. We had just hoped to be done till March.
I would like to create awareness for this disease. It is often mistaken for other things. My own family doctors didn't take my concerns seriously that I had been complaining about for over a year. If they had, we may have found it a lot sooner. They were the first targets of my Ovarian cancer campaign. I don't hold anything against them except being a little mad that they told me some of the stuff was in my head. I also emailed President Obama. Yep, you read that right. I didn't vote for him and I don't seek money from him or wish to be his best friend but I would love it if he would help. What would possess me to even consider it? Because I heard he has personal experience with it. I heard his mother died from Ovarian cancer. See link. Now I am not naive enough to believe he is going to jump on the band wagon to help me but I felt it does not hurt to ask.
I was thinking today how God worked it so that a cancer group was placed on someone's mind to be formed shortly before I was diagnosed and now my friend was. It was like God was providing this for us, however there are also others who have cancer or have had it before and maybe there are some who are battling it and haven't told anyone. I just pray for all of them. Our neighbor down the street is also fighting cancer and her prognosis is not good and yet she keeps offering to help us. I wonder if she gets the support she needs. Norm also has the support from a teacher at his school where he works. All of them support him but she is often his sounding board when he has a question or concern about me. She's also given us good advice about things. She is still batting from the after affects of her cancer.
I recently also talked to another cancer survivor who has been keeping in touch. She mentioned about the anger part..... being angry for having cancer. I know how she feels. Sometimes I feel that way. i ask, "Why me?" But then it's like I hear a voice back, "Why not you?" Who am I to feel like I do not deserve to get it? I'm no better than anyone else who got it or may get it. God is just letting me know that He is the author of my story.
Last week we went to Gavin's viewing. I had forgotten that I had mentioned my cancer on his care page, but I was surprised that they knew exactly who I was and what I had. Maybe the hat gave it away. :D This was the church I grew up in but I didn't know how many knew me or remembered me. Since then I had been getting cards from members of that church in support. Whoever did the display for Gavin did an awesome job. There was even a book there of all the carepages his mother blogged about it. Apparently the hospital gave it to them as a keepsake. There were so many things there I am sure they will cherish for years to come. The thing that brought the tears to my eyes was a photo of him and two other boys. It was titled "The Three Musketeers." I don't know if the boys were brothers, cousins or his buddies but it just made me think that they are no longer the three Musketeers and what will happen to the other two now. It was really emotional to look at that photo. The last care page his mother wrote said they are adjusting pretty well and his one brother keeps talking about Gavin being in heaven. How awesome to have that promise of heaven to look forward to!
"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14:2-4

1 comment:

marykay said...

Your post is so touching Denise. I sniffled and got a big lump in my throat. If I could reach out into the computer, I would give you a big huge hug. You are a wonderful writer, person, mother, wife, and blog buddy. I will pray for you and all those battling cancer tomorrow in mass....p.s. good for you for writing Obama. Like you said, these advocate and support groups were started with someone taking action....God Bless dear...